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Missing My Pet book review

Missing My Pet, by Alex Lambert aged 6

Written with Clare Butler,  Illustrated by Jonathan Firth

With supporting booklet for parents/carers by Alex's Mum

Published by BGTF,  ISBN 978-0-9554118-1-6

Reviewed by Susan Elisa Dawson MEd (SEN), PGCE, BA (Hons), Dip Couns. MBACP, MBVNA

Susan is a qualified teacher and a counsellor specialising in working with children and young people experiencing bereavement and loss. She has recently completed her PhD study investigating human grief in relation to companion animal euthanasia. She is a SCAS Member.

Most of us fortunate enough to share a bond with a companion animal during our childhood will be able to recall, probably with great clarity and emotion, the feelings experienced in relation to the death or loss of that animal. These remembered feelings may include sadness, longing and no doubt some confusion as to the details of what really happened to the companion animal. For the majority of us this will have been our first real exposure to death and experience of loss. Companion animal death provides an important and unique opportunity for parents/carers/teachers and others involved in the lives of young people, to facilitate learning about grief and loss. If this loss is taken seriously and worked through honestly, the key foundations for coping with grief can be put into place from an early age. Missing My Pet provides a unique, valuable educational and therapeutic resource for use with children.

The majority of books for children about 'pet death' are written by adult authors. Missing My Pet is different as the lead author is Alex, who is just six years old. The book is a personal sharing of his grief journey after the death of his dog, Star. Emotion is uncensored and authentic.  Jonathan Firth's colourful illustrations are truly beautiful and capture the innocence of a child's eye view. Alex is not embarrassed to tell the reader that he loved Star and that Star was his friend. We learn a lot about the human-companion animal bond in the authenticity of this little book. Star provides Alex not only with friendship, but is a play mate and someone who he shares his day to day life with. Alex invites the reader to add his/her own experiences/ photographs and pictures as a memorial of their grief journey, in this way helping to normalise the often awkward feelings of grief and confusion experienced by children. Alex's own grief journey begins with his review of the bond he shared with Star, focussing on the happy times, the favourite things he used to do with Star. This is a very useful technique with children as it helps to validate the importance of the relationship. The loss is significant because the relationship itself was important. Physically making pictures, creating a scrap book of photographs or writing down memories in the way Alex does can be pivotal in psychologically processing the loss. Alex is included within family decision-making and involved in subjective assessment Star's quality of life.

Alex's mum has produced an accompanying booklet Grown-Up Stuff in which she advises parent/carers to take notice of what a child says about changes of behaviour in a companion animal as a child may notice subtle, subjective differences that can be important in informing the decision to take an animal to the vets.

Alex locates what he has identified as being significant in recognising that Star isn't well. Star isn't getting out of his bed and looks sad, even though the day before he had looked well. The suddenness of the onset of rapid decline is brought home succinctly and poignantly through the simplicity of lived experience. Star doesn't want his biscuit, doesn't roll over to have his tummy tickled like he used to do Alex knows that Star is not OK. Importantly Alex's opinion has been listened to and matters to his parents, showing how from an early age a sense of responsibility and empathy can be fostered in children particularly in the direct 'hands on' caring of a relationship. Alex's mum in her support booklet for adults highlights how daunting the veterinary surgery can be for a child because of the unfamiliar, clinical environment. Important advice is given about normalising visits to the surgery as a routine part of caring for a companion animal so as not to create a lasting association with the surgery with negative experiences and bad news. The importance of never making promises about an animal's recovery is stressed and is a really vital lesson for children in coping with the universality of death as an event that inevitably faces all of us.

I was particularly impressed by the section When My Pet Died as crucially the word died was actually used rather than avoided or being replaced by a confusing euphemism. This enables an opportunity for a definition of death to be provided in order generate understanding of death as an event. The only place where I feel both the book and supporting booklet fall short is in actually providing and emphasising the importance of this definition. In my own education and therapeutic practice I would include a simple definition of death, when an animal dies:

• Their heart isn't beating anymore
• Other organs are not working anymore
• They don't need or want to eat food; they are not hungry or thirsty
• They are not breathing and do not need to breathe
• They don't move around
• They don't feel the cold, or get hungry or wet
• They are not in pain or frightened
• They will not become alive again

It's very important to tell children why an animal died and if this was by euthanasia to explain that this cannot happen to them, as this is something children can really fear happening. Despite the omission of a definition of death, this section is very well presented. Alex talks of waiting outside of the surgery whilst his parents are in the consult room with Star. Alex waits outside but talks of his mother crying when she comes out to tell him that Star was dead. An explanation of why Star is dead is given by his mum; this is essential in helping Alex in his understanding of why death happens.

Children of Alex's age are often not able to name and locate the origin of emotions but merely express these e.g. anger, frustration which can be directed at a parent/carer or at the vet for not being able to make the animal better. Alex's mum takes parents through these emotions, refreshingly using everyday language and no psycho-jargon. She emphasises the importance self-care for parents/carers at this time, recognising the impact of the loss on self and bearing witness to a child's distress. The focus is on navigating the grief journey together in order to generate understanding and develop healthy coping strategies.

The issue of cremation is dealt with very well. Alex explains how he was involved in discussion of options for after death body-care for Star and what informed his choice. Alex's mum has explained what cremation is and having the casket back with the remains becomes an important focal point for remembrance, without being macabre or at all morbid. Giving children the option of seeing the body after death is discussed in the support booklet as being really important, as children's fertile imaginations can sometimes exaggerate and distort reality. The adult temptation of replacing a dead animal 'secretly' with a new live animal is also tackled, identifying this as being totally unacceptable, illuminating how this both minimises the significance of the relationship and the loss in the life of the child.

Remembering Star and the other pets that Alex has lost becomes an overtly important act in his continuing bond with these animals and in his development of his own coping strategies. Alex remembers his pets on New Year's Day, every year by playing football as this was something he and Star like to do together. Alex invites readers to make their own plans for remembering their companion animals in their own grief journey. Alex's mum points out the importance of gauging the sensitivity of an individual child before removing care items and bedding, highlighting the significance for some children of a continuing bond after the death of the animal. Respecting and be guided by the individuality of the child is emphasised judging carefully when and if a child wants to talk about an animal. Similarly, Alex's last page explores the possibility of getting another, different animal in the future, but the individuality and irreplaceable nature of each animal is emphasised. The importance of this concluding section, for me, is its essential positioning in teaching children about attachment and loss. In being relationship focussed not end-event focused, a healthier processing of the bond and the death which integrates the potential for new bonds with different animals becomes interwoven within the grief journey.

This is a very important, well-written and illustrated little book and one which I recommend without hesitation as an essential resource for use with children.

Download the publication order form to order this book from SCAS.

You may also be interested in purchasing the SCAS publication Children and pets: A guide for parents, teachers and therapists, available from the same form.